Another First!

On this lovely Spring day, March 30,  Lee was able to do something he has longed to do for a long time.  In fact, it has been about two and one-half years since he has climbed onto a tractor. Even though all of his farm equipment has been sold and the sheds are standing lonely and empty, he held onto his two favorite tractors.  He kept the first and the last ones he bought.  All the others have been sold.

He left the house shortly after breakfast and informed me that he was going to use his tractor to load something onto his truck.  I, being always the "watch-dog", inquired if anyone would be helping him.  No, he said, I can do this by myself!  I turned away and forbid myself to utter another word!  I reminded myself, that my time as caregiver must include being able to remember when to "let him go". 

A short time later, I heard the sound of the tractor and I stood at one of the windows in the sunroom to watch him as he came from the barn area toward the backyard.  My vision was somewhat obscured by my tears of gratefullness as I watched him drive by his garage and turn right into the lower pasture.  I knew he was enjoying his ride immensely.  I continued on with my work of laundry and usual house work and noticed that his best friend, Hewitt had arrived.  I could relax....now he had help if needed.

I suppose that is what happens when you become a care-giver for an extended period of time.  There are confusing emotions that are filled with ambivilence......Yes, let it go, or No, I need to sheild him from harm.  It is a daily concern that never leaves my thoughts.  There is a part of me that pushes for his freedom from the confines that his disease has bestowed upon him, however, there is also the selfish part of me that wants to keep him well, and with me for as long as I can.

I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that whatever happens in the future is not mine to control, and most of all, Lee must have a happy and satisfiying life.  That includes being able to do the things he loves!

More Later.........................Brenda